**Photo Portfolio**

Ok, so I'm going through my camera and gonna try to update my blog... So some of this goes pretty far back... This was an assignment that I had to for my HMHV class last semester... I had the topic of 'death and dying'... It seems like I have encountered death around ever corner in my life... I know so many people that have not even lost a pet and I feel that I have lost so many close to me... The reason I even chose this for my topic (as some of you may already know) is because of Brittany and my Grandpa Marshall... Brittany was/is my best friend and one of the most influential people i have had in my life... There is not a minute I don't think about her... And my Grandpa... I became so close to him and he helped solidify my desire to be a doctor (another blog on that to come)... Anyways we had to find different pictures that represented death and dying to us and do a presentation on them in class (not easy I might add, but I feel the need to challenge myself...) Anyways so these are a few pictures from my presentation....


This is a picture of Brittany, a monkey (that reminds me of her... I was going to put it in her casket with her, but couldn't... Maybe someday it will find it's way to her grave...) And this is my Grandpa Marshall's ring... He ALWAYS had it on and was the one thing I wanted... This is probably pretty obvious, how it reminds me of death... These two deaths represent the beginning (may) and end (november) of a string of deaths that happened in my family that year...

I put these flowers representing death, because, although they are 'dead' many people hang them and see them as beautiful... This reminds me to not always think of death as a bad thing... No matter how bad it hurts us here, it is a beautiful thing for those that have gone before us (yes trust me I know easier said than lived...

This picture... Well I was unsure of even putting this picture in my presentation but felt I had to... After Brittany had died (the end of that year)... You could say I went off the deep end... I wrote in over 13 notebooks... Filled them up... With poems quotes letters, everything... And I have to say that helped... But I was extremely suicidal, and at a very bad place in my life... I felt there was nothing left and didn't care and convinced myself I couldn't feel anything anymore... (in a sense I was dead)...I think Kenny, Amanda, Kaitlin, Missy and Jess saw me at my very worst... Surprised Kenny stuck around? I am... I am truly lucky to have had people pull me out of this... Because as far as I was concerned, at the time, I was done...
This reminds me of Brittany (one of her favorite poems)... It's hanging on my wall in my room... No matter what you are going through in life... There is always one person there... God... This took me awhile to realize... When I had 'death' happen in my life, I am guilty of asking the question "Why would you do this to me... How could you do this... What did I do wrong" Very easy to do...
This is a picture of the VA hospital... This is where my Grandpa Marshall had to go alot (because he was a Vietnam Vet) He was diagnosed here with Agent Orange... And later (possibly because of the Agent Orange) was diagnosed with stomach lining cancer, which ultimately took his life... This picture represents death to me because of all the death I saw there.....
Hospital, for a lot of people reminds them of life, babies being born, or new beginnings... However, this past year the hospital room I was in was filled with hurt over a mother dying... one of my best friends here lost her mother... And in one of the hospital rooms is where I watched her mother flatline and slip away from her... where I literally caught her from almost flipping off the bed... Hospitals are so full of life... but also of death....
This is a song that comes on all the time on my IPOD (that has 3000+ songs on it) and everytime it comes on I think of Brittany... There are so many times I 'forget' I know that sounds dumb... But when I got my MCAT score I wanted to call her, and it took me a second... oh wait I can't...

I also had another picture... Because even though many people see death as a bad thing... There is another instance where it is seen as a good thing... Many people (more males than females, not to be stereotypical, but yah) see hunting, and killing an animal as praiseworthy... Kenny's Uncle Scott Ballard (you can google him) killed that national record elk... his name is brutus! (yes they named him and mounted him in their house)... He is HUGE! And this definitely was a good feat for him!

So needless to say, death can be seen in both ways... And death is something that is very close to my heart and I feel like I have a lot of personal ties... So I thought this was a good, hard, but good presentation... Definitely tested me in ways I was not sure I could overcome...

I thought, and so many people around me have thought, that having so many people close to me die would shun me away from the medical profession... why would I want to do that and be around that so much... I think it even shocked people that when we had to diagnose a 7mo old baby with cancer, there was no other place I would have rather been... I want to do that... I want to work with kids and help them when they're sick... I'm not sure and I'm keeping my options open but something amazing is going to have to come up in MedSchool to change my mind about wanting to be a Pediatrician....................